ASSALAMUALAIKUM WARRAHMATULLAH HIWABARAKATUH
Dah agak lama tak menaip di laman penuh sawang ini. mungkin sudah hilang idea. mungkin sebab memang lost at words. or maybe memang diri ini memang tak sesuai menjadi pena.
Tapi, malam nie, well midnight, try to post something.
whilst i'm being unproductive at my other works and studies, esok-esok la diriku topup and struggle.
This is dear readers, procrastination also known as bersenang-senang dahulu, bersusah-susah kemudian, takpon, tiada bala pergi cari bala...
well, i'm kinda a chaos (bala) magnet, trying to fun and kick out of it.
So, aku akan post, what my dear friend, we can called him Mr Motivator, because most of friends said, nak apa-apa kata motivasi boleh cari dia...
perangai dia yang sememangnya friendly tuh, kekadang boleh menjadi sangat mencabar kesabaran.
my friend said " dia tuh memang perangai camtuh, tapi bila orang need help, dia boleh kasi ayat-ayat motivasi"
And dear readers, you wanna know what i accidently (actually purposely) said to Mr Motivator
" aku tak paham la macam mana depa boleh kata hg boleh kasi motivasi, perangai macam SAMPAH kot!"
i was not at a proper mood actually when i met him, so accidental blurt out...
and his responce was
" owh, hg kata aku macam sampah... eh sapa kata aku bermotivasi" and he was laughing like a banshee...
ceit, seronok sendiri, nasib baik tak pecah kerusi dia duduk tuh...
this was yesterday story...
And this what i received today... and inbox in my fb.... a relentless inbox...
"Having suicidal thoughts? If you are please, read through about my experience and how I got out from it. The rest of you wondering how it feels like to have such thoughts, do read as well. It is a long post but bear with me.
After I finished my SPM in high school, I received pretty good results and manage to secure a scholarship for both my foundation and my degree. I went off quite far away overseas to further my degree. I was able to adapt very well and everything felt alright during my first year and my results were decent. Then I went through this phase of uncertainty in what I really wanted to do in life. I started to slowly lose interest in the course that I was taking and I spent most of my time playing sports and learning things that was not part of my course. My grades were slowly degrading but I was still able to maintain it at a safe level to keep my scholarship.
At the same time, I was also involved in a very complicated relationship which I would not elaborate here. But it was just really terrible to the point where I hardly could get even 3 hours of sleep a day. As time passed, everything just turned chaotic. First, I started losing interest in everything that I liked. Food, reading & etc. My grades slumped drastically. There was one semester in which I failed all three subjects that I took. I wanted to change my course but I couldn't because I was restricted by my scholarship. I couldn't change my major. I hated studying what I did not like. I gave up. I failed because during my final exams I could not even bring myself to sit for the three papers. I stayed home. The cold winter did not help. Everything around me felt ice cold. I was in a state of depression.
It became worse. I started to lose myself. When I was awake, all I could feel was numbness. I know my body was moving but I could not feel anything else. It was just so empty. I received a warning letter from my sponsor about my grades. I was advised to retake it and improve my CGPA. I took the advise. I only took one subject to repeat during my summer break. It was only one subject, a mathematics subject which was the only subject in the entire course that I actually enjoyed doing. Yet, I failed. Again. This time around, I knew that I can't go on anymore. I had to go back home.
I needed to start from scratch. Choose something that I like. Then I realized, how am I going to tell my parents about it? I come from a poor family. We live paycheck-to-paycheck. There were no savings. Nothing at all. Not even for any emergencies. Without the scholarship I would just be stranded and go anywhere at all. My parents were so proud of me that I was able to further my studies overseas and there I was shattering their very dream. I was supposed to be that one person in the family to help bring the family out of poverty. All I could think of was "what have I done? what happened to me? I was not like this."
I couldn't go back and I couldn't move forward. I was extremely lost. My mind was flooded with regret and pain. I felt very hopeless. I just wanted to end of my life right there and then. I was very reckless on the road just wanting to get hit my something and lose my life. But it didn't happen. I even thought of just cycling into a half frozen lake to just freeze to death. My life just felt really cold. Every single hour that I spent time sleeping, I dreamt. I dreamt of dying. It was both "calming" and terrifying at the same time.
I had friends. Many of them too. I was not alone but yet I felt extremely alone. I only shared about my problems to one of them who was the closest to me. It helped but not much. The pain would not go away. But I was finally able to make a tough decision. A decision to tell my parents what was going on, the fact that I can no longer continue studying. The fact that I have failed so much that I can no longer recover. I was supposed to go home that month to attend my sister's wedding, it was supposed to be all joyful and cheerful. But there I was giving them such a heavy news. I cried on the phone cause I couldn't continue talking to my mum.
All her hard work in raising me up so well, I felt it. I felt how it all went to the drains because of me. None of my family members could understand what happened to me and neither did I. I did not die. I went home safe. But it was not over. Things only got worse. I couldn't look at my parents when I talked to them because I felt so ashamed of myself. Everyday my mum would ask me what happened. I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. I stayed in my room almost all day trying to figure out what I should do next. I cried almost every single night because I couldn't sleep. The disappointment that I brought to my family was just too much for me to handle. Then, to make things worse, I received a letter from my sponsor that I had to payback all the expenses of my education that they have invested. It was part of the agreement. It was almost
came out alive.
What I want to say is that, whatever it is that you are feeling, no matter how terrible things turn out to be, don't give up. Never give up. There is always always a way out. If you are regretting about some mistakes that you have done. It is okay to regret or to feel guilty but don't ever let it consume you. People often say that you need to be forgiving and learn to forgive others. To me, what is even more important is to learn how to forgive yourself. If you can't forgive yourself, you can never move on.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, talk. Talk. Talk to friends whom you really really trust. Talk to your family. If family is the source of the problem, talk to anyone else. Talk to your pets if that helps. But TALK. Even talking to a complete stranger can help. Seek therapy. Seek a counsellor. Seek anyone at all but don't seek for death, because death can't solve your problems it will only make things worse for your loved ones when you are gone.
If you can't talk to anyone. Confess here and I will post a comment if I read it and you can find me to talk to. I would be more than glad to help.
For those who have friends whom you know or suspect are feeling suicidal. Read the link below. You can save a life.
This message actually have two parts, so kalau rasa ada macam story hanging, maybe sebab Mr Motivator xsempat nak sent fully...
Thanks Mr Motivator....