~IF~

بِسْــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِالرَّحْمَنِ اارَّحِيم

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

…How are you…

…How is your Islam..

…How is your Iman…

…How is your Heart…

…How is your Taqwa…

Have you heard of a poem by the title of IF???

I’m not going to talk about, that advice father give to his son, either about being that certain someone or bout the character of man…

Not… none of it….

But I’m going to emphasize the if…

If and only if…

I woke up this morning, I did not eat anything for sahur, but I manage to drink a little of bit of water… I took a few gulps, and went back to sleep… I don’t why, I feel so empty that time… empty… not because of i did not eat anything.. just empty... I can’t sleep… I closed my eyes… but I couldn’t sleep… and I began to count my mistakes… my sins… I don't know why, but i did that... counting my mistakes, my sins... in the past and present…

I woke up later and pray the subuh prayer… after that, I begin to look my surroundings… and again, I start to ponder, to count, and remember, all the things I did, the mistakes I had done and the sins I had made… I was feeling sorry for myself… and started to wonder about the possibilities about the word if…

If I didn’t did this, would have this happen… if I didn’t did that, would I become the person I am today???

And what is that kind of person???

And again, I had to ponder once more…

If, I chose to go to Asasi UiTM rather than Penang Matriculation, will it make any difference???

If I chose to fight for my rights, and chose the path I wanted to, would I have be in this situation???

If I chose not to go to Med school, would I be the person I am today???

If I didn’t and chose not to make the mistakes I did, would I be experiencing the experience I have today??

Those regrets, that sadness… will it ever go away…

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. Surah Al Baqarah 216

My friends always give this phrase to me… just so that I accept what had happened and is happening…

I had though once, about quitting… everything… Quitting Med school especially…


I still thinking about... I convey that message to my family once... my parents did not say anything... I sibling did not approve at all...


I try to convey the same message once... I know they will react the same way my siblings did...


But what if.... 

my parents and siblings would be devastated… my friends would believe I’m running away from my problems… I’m running away…

What if I really do it… would my parents be devastated??? My parents already gave me permission to change course if I wanted to… so would they???

What if I really do it… would my friends think that I’m running away from my problem… what problem??? (In denial) they know how entered Med school… so would they???

If…

I still think about it sometimes… about the past… about all the possibilities of if… if and only if… the possibilities of what had happen if took that leapt 2 years ago… if I did not make that stupid mistakes 10 month ago… if I study so smart and hard a month ago…

Hurm…. I still ponder… just today… it’s a little bit burdening today….

I still hope though… for things I wanted it to happen, happened… even though the possibilities is low..